Mark's Blog

I’m not sure we even have parenting scripts for teenagers. Most of us quit acknowledging the existence of our parents the day we feel like a teenager and don’t find them again until about 19 or 20! Even the best teenagers don’t spend nearly the high percentage of time with parents that younger children do, so parenting teenagers brings its own set of challenges.

Many of the strategies–and perhaps even the foundational principles–of your parenting style may have to be reexamined and changed for teenagers. That’s one of the biggest challenges for you!  As your kids’ parenting needs change, can you change with them?

Here are a few things Sherrylee and I learned with our three teens!

1.  Don’t quit parenting! It’s tempting because much of the advice, control, influence is, at best, unappreciated and, at worst, resented. Sure that makes you mad and/or hurts your feelings, but you are the parent, so you can survive that. The teens still need you!

2. Teenagers still need boundaries! Boundaries are security when teenagers are awash in new choices and don’t have a big enough picture yet to always make good choices. For instance,

Our teens always had curfews–but it was flexible enough to allow more time on the weekends and sometimes extended for special events!  Of course they tested the curfews, but not often because there were always undesirable consequences.  No visiting or having visitors when parents were not in the house! And you have to ask them, “Are her parents home? Bedroom doors always stay open. Always tell us where you are going and when you will be back. That’s about it! Are you surprised that there are not too many?

You should notice that these are “family rules” too, like I talked about in an earlier blog, not God’s rules. God has rules for teens too: no sex outside of marriage, no drunkenness, nothing illegal–you know the list. Your teens must know this list too–long before they become teenagers!  They should have already decided to obey these rules before they hit puberty.  Of course, they may test these rules too, but then they are dealing with God and not just with you!  And they should know this!

The way we tried to teach this was something that Sherrylee brought to our family from her maternal grandparents. She tells the story of her parents fussing at the kids when Grandmother CC said, “Max and Joy, if it is not a sin, let them do it!” Sherrylee and I adopted this mantra and found it very effective for these reasons:

a. Determining what is sin is God’s prerogative, so it keeps you out of the sin creation business.

b. It provides spiritual motivation for avoiding sin rather than family or parental motivation.

c. The boundaries set by God are consistent. Family boundaries tend to flex with our own capriciousness as parents, and teens love nothing better than finding inconsistencies in their parents.

The last big area I want to mention in dealing with teens is the area of mutual respect.  One of the big rules at our house because I believe it is also God’s rule was No showing disrespect to your parents. That included talking rudely, rolling eyes, stomping off mad, or any other childish action.

And it takes both parents to make this work. It’s essential for Dad to respond for disrespect to Mom and vice versa. This teaches your children that you love each other, that you are on the same parenting page, and that they cannot play one off the other.

The other side of the coin, however, is that you must treat your teens with respect! No ridicule, no verbal abusing, no abuse of parental power–you must model before them what it means to respect each other–even in the middle of conflict.

Have you ever wondered about Jesus’ adventure in the temple when he was 12, leaving his parents to look for him for three days!!!!  And Jesus was the best kid ever!!  Remind yourself that your teen is God’s child and that God loves him/her more than you do!  You are not alone in the task of parenting your teenagers. God the Father is right there with you!