Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Fathers, Hug Your Daughters!

March 30, 2011 by Mark Woodward

I bet many of you have never seen Rebel Without A Cause (1955), although most have heard of it and some even know it to be a classic coming-of-age film starring James Dean, Natalie Wood, and Sal Mineo. As I have been writing about parenting/grandparenting these last few days, this film keeps popping into my head.

To tempt you a bit to rent the film or downstream it on Netflix, let me just say that the three teen idols of the 1950s all play troubled teens from good families. Jim Stark (James Dean) has a painfully weak, ineffective father and a dominating mother; Plato (Sal Mineo) is pretty much abandoned by his parents, and Judy (Natalie Wood) has the most “normal” parents, but she is the one that has haunted me the most through the years.

Let’s talk about Judy!  She is a beautiful girl, popular, fun, and successful at school—so what’s her problem?

The tell-tale scene for me is when she comes home to her good family and she tries to connect with her father, who appears to be uncomfortable around her. She practically begs him to hug her or let her sit on his lap like she did when she was a little girl, but he is so uncomfortable with her sexuality that he pushes her away—both physically and emotionally.  This refusal of affection pushes Judy into the arms of Jim Stark, and they sneak into a vacant house and, with Plato, create their own ersatz family where their needs for love and relationship are all met!

No, this is a 50s movie so they don’t sleep together, but the comfort Judy finds in her new boyfriend’s affection is not really sweet. It’s painful to me because I know her father’s rejection drove her to this point.

And this is the point I want to share with you, especially you fathers, something about raising children that I believe to be true and that we certainly practiced in our home. To be physically affectionate with your children will help them remain pure and holy until they leave father and mother and are physically loved by their marriage partner.

For some parents, showing physical affection is the most natural of all acts they do as parents—but not for all parents—especially some dads—especially those dads whose fathers never touched them except to punish them.  Even if this is you, your children need for you to change the channel, to learn to show them your love in ways they can feel.

(We are so highly sensitized to abusive touching and fears of child molestation that I find myself wondering if we can even talk about this; nevertheless,  I’m asking you to read this article within a framework of healthy relationships that would result in healthy and wholesome physical loving.)

Most of what I know about anything female, I learned from my wife Sherrylee. She was the one who  taught me how important physically touching our children was, beginning with changing their diapers and rocking them to sleep, then reading to them in your lap and wrestling with them on the floor.

How a parent expresses affection changes as the children change—but it should never cease! When our older son was just starting school, we would always send him out the front door with a hug, but when he started second grade, he thought he had outgrown that. The game was to let him get out the door, then run after him, catch him, and give him a hug before he went one step further.  The game was fun for both of us for a while. He’s 37 now, happily married with three of his own children, so he usually gets the hug when he comes in, but the grandkids get the hugs as they leave!

When your girls become teenagers and ever so self-conscious about their bodies, the uninhibited expressions of physical affection between fathers and daughters can disappear—as they did for Natalie Wood’s character—and too often with the same results!  I don’t think I can tell you exactly what works and what doesn’t work for you and your daughters, but I do believe that you can continue to show each other love and affection physically. Maybe your kisses move from her cheek to just the top of her head. Maybe sitting in your lap becomes just a snuggle-up on the couch. Like I said, physical expressions of affection are given their meaning by the people who do them, so how you have defined your early relationship to your children will dictate how your later relationship can be expressed.

Children, then teens who are not hugged by their mothers and/or fathers seem almost driven to look for someone else to touch them! One of the best and most wonderful things you can do to make it easier for your teenager to be pure and holy is to hug them a lot! Show them as much affection as you and they are comfortable with.

Solomon the Wise once reminded his readers in his blog that there is absolutely a right time to embrace someone (Ecclesiastes 3:5)!  Without plagiarizing Solomon, that’s what I want to say too! Hug your children, and love on them a lot!

And don’t be afraid!

 

Posted in Christian Culture, Other | Tagged , , , | Leave a Comment »

How To Be A Good Ancestor!

March 28, 2011 by Mark Woodward

Sherrylee and I are reading in 1 Peter right now. I was re-reading chapter one yesterday and got stuck on the phrase “empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors.”

18 For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, 19 but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.

Is Peter writing to Gentiles and talking about the empty life handed down by Greek philosophers to most of the Gentile world of the first century? Or did he intend to include the empty life the Jews had received from Jewish legalism and scholasticism that developed after the fall of Jerusalem to the Babylonians?

Or was Peter actually talking to the grandparents of Cassie, Kellan, Canon, Carter, Caroline, Leighton, Anna, Olivia, and Norah?? Don’t we have to take his words personally?

If I am going to be an ancestor, then I really don’t want to hand down an empty way of life to the gkids—not a single one of them. So what do I do as a grandparent to avoid this?

According to Grandparents.com, there are more than 70 million of us grandparents in the United States today, and perhaps surprisingly, the average age is 48. If you live to be 80, you could be a grandparent for over thirty years!!  You need to make some plans and commitments if you don’t want to leave your grandkids an empty life.  Here’s what I’m thinking

  • Grandparents have money! We control 75% of the nation’s wealth and have the highest average income of any other age group.  So, do I pass on a life built around consuming, around accumulating, around toys, around entertainment? Or do I pass on a life focused on generosity, on unselfish giving, on modest living so that others may thrive?
  • Grandparents want to have fun! Grandparents spend 100 billion dollars a year on entertainment and another $77 billion on travel (www.grandparents.com). We’ve worked hard and now we want to play hard—what’s wrong with that?  Well, what the grandkids see is the playing hard, not the working hard, so they learn to play. What they see is me spending my time and money on myself, and that is what they learn to do for themselves as well.
  • Grandparents volunteer more! So take the grandkids with you! Now that’s the way to fill up a child’s life!
  • Grandparents contribute 45% of all cash donations to non-profits! So let your grandchildren help you select where you will give. Let them put the check in the envelope or go online and show them the website.
  • Grandparents have influence! Seventy-two percent of grandparents care for grandchildren regularly and almost six percent of households are multi-generational. I wonder what that number would look like if it included grandparents who live within five miles of their grandchildren!  How do you spend your time with the grandkids? Is it just random, is it only about fun? Do you ever talk? Do you ask them about important stuff—not just their little league batting average.

I can hear the moans now, “But I raised my kids and I’m finished thinking about others. Don’t I deserve to just do what I want?” Do you remember Solomon’s conclusion after he used his power, his wealth, and even his wisdom to research what life is like if you do what you want! He did just what you are feeling and the results were  . . . emptiness!  Is that really the inheritance you want to leave for your grandchildren?

I really love my children and my grandchildren. And you do too! So

  1. If I am going to be a good ancestor, then I can’t retire from being a person of active faith.
  2. If I am going to be a good ancestor, then I will never earn the right to be selfish!
  3. If I am going to be a good ancestor, then I must intentionally teach my grandchildren the way of God, by the way I live and directly in conversation with them.

. . . to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen (Eph. 3:21)

 

 

 

 

Posted in Other | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments »

Tulsa Is Alive!

March 26, 2011 by Mark Woodward

The Tulsa Workshop is in its 36th year as a major event for churches of Christ.  Twenty years ago the attendance was probably near 10,000 and the Pavilion Center was almost full, both floor and upper tier seating.

Christians from the heartland are the main supporters of the Tulsa Workshop, from towns like Owassa and Skytook, Oklahoma, Texans from Mineola—many small towns and smaller churches—great down-home people! . The Workshop was always exciting, foot-stomping, not cerebral or sophisticated—and that served the large audiences for many years. But not so much anymore!

As with many large events, the Tulsa Workshop has declined over the past decade. Honestly, if Sherrylee had not been invited to teach a class, she and I probably would have just sent a staff member to represent LST—but I’m glad we came this year because the Workshop is different!

We do not come every year, but this year is really refreshing and gives me hope that the Tulsa Workshop can survive.  Here are a few things that I have noticed:

1.  Top-tier keynote speakers ,including some from the more progressive churches of Christ as well as solid, mainstream churches! No political choices; just those who could bring the word powerfully.

2.  Great young preachers giving keynotes, not just the established personalities of the fellowship or local Tulsa prominence! In fact, young preachers were paired with their mentors in a wonderfully biblical Paul-and-Timothy realization of older men teaching younger men.

3.  Challenging classes. The venue does not lend itself to many simultaneous classes, so the limited offerings is unfortunate, but the offered slate of classes is excellent.

4.  Contemporary worship. The organizers this year achieved great balance between modern praise music and older favorites. Balance is perhaps the wrong word because the vast majority of songs were modern.  Consistent use of good praise teams helped overcome difficult acoustics in the arena.

So, kudos to the organizers—rumor I heard was that it was the Memorial Drive church staff! Very well done—and it seems to be very well received! Here is the website for this year’s workshop so you can see for yourself what a good program it was www.tulsaworkshop.org .

Very few large events have survived: most of the Christian college lectureships still exist in some form, but virtually all except Pepperdine’s Bible Lectures have been greatly diminished.  The Tulsa Workshop is on a survival track if they can continue this refreshing  course.  I would make just a few small suggestions:

1.            Be innovative in creating an interactive environment! I’m not just talking about breakout groups, but find ways to create dialogue and interaction, perhaps with new technology. What if you polled the audience using their mobile phones and could show immediate response on the projection screen so that the speaker/facilitator could speak to the responses of that particular group?  Just a small idea!

2. Make an effort to get more ministries to exhibit. For my taste, the exhibitions were too heavy on the commercial. I’ve always loved the exhibit area of lectureships, but I’m looking as much for inspiration as I am another Bible or different religious T-shirt.  That’s just me.

3.            Don’t let the venue determine the nature of the workshop. Good job this year with the changes in buildings, but the difficulties with using the fairgrounds are pretty obvious.

By the way, did I tell you that the Oklahoma redbuds are beautiful! And Tulsa is a beautiful city. Why don’t we all meet next year at the Tulsa Workshop and be blessed together!

 

Posted in Other | Tagged , , | Leave a Comment »

Parenting Scripts: If it’s not a sin, let them do it!

March 24, 2011 by Mark Woodward

I’m not sure we even have parenting scripts for teenagers. Most of us quit acknowledging the existence of our parents the day we feel like a teenager and don’t find them again until about 19 or 20! Even the best teenagers don’t spend nearly the high percentage of time with parents that younger children do, so parenting teenagers brings its own set of challenges.

Many of the strategies–and perhaps even the foundational principles–of your parenting style may have to be reexamined and changed for teenagers. That’s one of the biggest challenges for you!  As your kids’ parenting needs change, can you change with them?

Here are a few things Sherrylee and I learned with our three teens!

1.  Don’t quit parenting! It’s tempting because much of the advice, control, influence is, at best, unappreciated and, at worst, resented. Sure that makes you mad and/or hurts your feelings, but you are the parent, so you can survive that. The teens still need you!

2. Teenagers still need boundaries! Boundaries are security when teenagers are awash in new choices and don’t have a big enough picture yet to always make good choices. For instance,

Our teens always had curfews–but it was flexible enough to allow more time on the weekends and sometimes extended for special events!  Of course they tested the curfews, but not often because there were always undesirable consequences.  No visiting or having visitors when parents were not in the house! And you have to ask them, “Are her parents home? Bedroom doors always stay open. Always tell us where you are going and when you will be back. That’s about it! Are you surprised that there are not too many?

You should notice that these are “family rules” too, like I talked about in an earlier blog, not God’s rules. God has rules for teens too: no sex outside of marriage, no drunkenness, nothing illegal–you know the list. Your teens must know this list too–long before they become teenagers!  They should have already decided to obey these rules before they hit puberty.  Of course, they may test these rules too, but then they are dealing with God and not just with you!  And they should know this!

The way we tried to teach this was something that Sherrylee brought to our family from her maternal grandparents. She tells the story of her parents fussing at the kids when Grandmother CC said, “Max and Joy, if it is not a sin, let them do it!” Sherrylee and I adopted this mantra and found it very effective for these reasons:

a. Determining what is sin is God’s prerogative, so it keeps you out of the sin creation business.

b. It provides spiritual motivation for avoiding sin rather than family or parental motivation.

c. The boundaries set by God are consistent. Family boundaries tend to flex with our own capriciousness as parents, and teens love nothing better than finding inconsistencies in their parents.

The last big area I want to mention in dealing with teens is the area of mutual respect.  One of the big rules at our house because I believe it is also God’s rule was No showing disrespect to your parents. That included talking rudely, rolling eyes, stomping off mad, or any other childish action.

And it takes both parents to make this work. It’s essential for Dad to respond for disrespect to Mom and vice versa. This teaches your children that you love each other, that you are on the same parenting page, and that they cannot play one off the other.

The other side of the coin, however, is that you must treat your teens with respect! No ridicule, no verbal abusing, no abuse of parental power–you must model before them what it means to respect each other–even in the middle of conflict.

Have you ever wondered about Jesus’ adventure in the temple when he was 12, leaving his parents to look for him for three days!!!!  And Jesus was the best kid ever!!  Remind yourself that your teen is God’s child and that God loves him/her more than you do!  You are not alone in the task of parenting your teenagers. God the Father is right there with you!

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

Parenting Scripts: 5 Tips on Blending and The Best Advice We Ever Received!

March 23, 2011 by Mark Woodward

Your parents spanked you when you needed it. Her parents thought spanking was child abuse. Your parents were strict about bed times. His parents let him stay up until he fell asleep on the floor!  Your parents never left the kids overnight with grandparents until they were at least three years old. He wants to leave the six-month old for one night with your parents.  What do you do?

Challenging? Challenging is hardly the right word because the parenting scripts that we inherit from our parents are so deeply embedded that we sometimes don’t even know they are there until suddenly, you say to yourself, “Oh my! Did that just come out of my mouth? I sounded just like my mother!”  Even more threatening though could be the reaction: “Oh no! He just sounded like his dad!”

Most couples are challenged quite early in their marriage to begin the task of working with their own parental scripts and figuring out what parts to keep, what parts to change, and what parts to discard.  Here are just a few simple observations from our own experience.

1.  Talk to each other—a lot—about how it was in your homes! My mother was strict with us but did not raise her voice. Sherry’s mom raised her voice to discipline the kids. So Sherry would raise her voice, and the kids would be fine—but it would drive me crazy!  Knowing that it was just part of her inherited script rather than “seriously irrational behavior” made it easier for me to understand and her to evaluate.

2. Don’t be afraid to defend your own script, but don’t fall into the trap of defending your parents! If you had wonderful parents, it is natural to want to imitate them—and rightly so. Just make sure that what worked for them is still appropriate thirty years later in a completely new family. And if your spouse feels the same way about a different script from his parents, keep the conversation about your children, not about your parents—or his parents!

3.  Don’t let your discussions become either YOUR way or MY way! Try to frame the result that you want as “what God wants US to do for our children.” The ownership of our own scripts can cause us to stubbornly, proudly, selfishly, insist on winning—even to the detriment of our children. It’s not about YOU. It’s about them!

4.  Remember the temporary nature of your decisions. Our kids, at least, went through ups and downs in their development that were mildly unpredictable.  Just about the time we would pat ourselves on the back for discovering the right parenting posture—because the kids were responding so well—they would change and our approach would seem all wrong now.

I know this is where many parents get frustrated. It’s like good parenting is always a moving target.  All the more reason to stay close to the kids, be around, listen to how they are today, and don’t hold on to previously effective parenting modes out of principle. Do so only if you both still feel they are appropriate with your children as they are today.

5.  Sometimes you adopt, sometimes you blend, and sometimes you concoct! We adopted Sherrylee’s grandparents’ admonition for our teenagers: “If it is not a sin, let them do it!” We blended most areas because our parents actually gave us similar scripts so it wasn’t too hard. But to deal with our children and what to do with them in cross-cultural situations, for instance, we had to create because we didn’t have any script from either set of parents for those situations.  Don’t get stuck in Either/Or thinking. Your kids are special enough to deserve your exploring creative options as well.

The Best Advice We Ever Received

Perhaps the best piece of advice that Sherrylee and I ever received was from an older missionary who told us that if the kids know that Mom really loves Dad and Dad really loves Mom, then the kids will turn out OK.  I know that’s a pretty simple script and won’t fit every single case, but in general, we believe it to be true, so my last piece of advice for blending your parenting scripts is

Love each other. Treat each other with respect, with honor preferring one another.

Does that sound familiar?

 

Posted in Christian Culture, Other | Tagged , , , | Leave a Comment »

Parenting Scripts: Your Kids Are His Kids!

March 22, 2011 by Mark Woodward

I grew up with two sisters and two brothers. I was the oldest child, so I was old enough to inherit a script from my parents for raising both boys and girls.

The scripts we get from our parents are two-edged swords, cutting both ways: as young parents probably our first or most immediate tendencies are to simply replay that script and do exactly what our parents did. Wisdom in parenting may often be, however, seeing opportunities to improve that script, sometimes even completely re-writing it.

Then when we marry, we introduce another parenting script into the house. Blending those scripts is one of the first challenges new parents have—and an ongoing project as long as they are actively parenting children.

First , let’s talk about dealing with your parenting scripts from your own parents:

1.            If you had wonderful, loving parents, then you know that they would want you to be an even better parent than they were, so don’t feel guilty about improving the script. It is not in any way an attack or insult to your parents.

2.            Recognize that you are not raising your children in the same environment or context that your parents did, so the new situation may require new approaches. Recently our two second-grade grandchildren each needed to interview their Grandad for school, and one of the questions each of them asked was how is it different today than it was when I was in second grade.  I hardly knew where to begin. My parents didn’t have to deal with drugs in schools, sex on TV—we only had three channels!—internet access, even premier kids’ sport leagues and serious competition in the second grade!

3.            Your family configuration is probably different from your parents’, introducing a different dynamic than what you grew up with. My dad worked six days a week and was gone from 7 until evening every day except Thursday, when he got a half-day off. We only had one car and four kids under 8 years old. Does that sound like your family? It’s not like any of our children’s families, so they, of course, need to approach parenting differently.

4.            Your children are unique, and not like your parent’s children, so their parenting needs are different. Sherrylee and I are pretty convinced that kids come into the world with their own personalities and gifts given from God. The uniqueness of each child would argue for a uniquely appropriate parenting styles.  Our three children all required very different parenting approaches. One required structured discipline, one required lots of supportive encouragement, and the other required bribery!! (And I’m not saying which was which J!)

God has given YOU the spiritual gifts you need for the children He has given you! Be confident that even a bad script is something that God has allowed for a reason. You are a parent because He made you one. You are a parent because He wants you to raise those children.

Those kids you have in your house are HIS kids! And He has given them to you for His purposes. So have confidence that He has and will give you all the experience, all the history, all the scripts, and all the tools you need to be a parent just like He wants you to be.

Be strong and courageous—and don’t be afraid!

Next, we’ll talk about the challenge of blending parenting scripts.

 

Posted in Christian Culture, Other | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Purer In Heart, O God, Help Me To Be!

March 18, 2011 by Mark Woodward

I just watched a CNN video report about a website at the University of Chicago that provides hook-up opportunities for students, hook-ups being casual, no-strings-attached sexual experiences.  Two hundred students have signed up already because it’s “a lot of fun,” and a good way to “unwind.” Chastity is curable if detected early is one of the taglines on the site! (View the CNN report )

According to the Center for Disease Control report in 2009,  46% of high school students reported having sexual intercourse. Across the U.S., 5.9% of students reported having sexual intercourse before age 13. Furthermore, 13.8% of high school students reported having had at least four different partners–and females students reported greater sexual activity in the last three months before the survey was taken than males.

If you wait until your kids are teenagers to become concerned about purity and holiness, you are years too late!

Here are some suggestions for you who still have young children to consider!

1.  Mom and Dad must model purity and holiness consistently and not just in the area of sexuality. As I have said before, I think this means pure speech, pure jokes, pure media, pure computing, pure friendships, pure work ethics—just holy living! Hypocrisy—even perceived hypocrisy– will completely erase all of the good words you and all the Sunday school teachers in the Bible-belt might say to your child.

2. Be black-and-white about what is pure and holy! No matter who is doing it, sexual intercourse outside of marriage is wrong! Getting drunk is wrong. Vulgar (unholy) language is wrong! Looking at pornography is wrong! As adults, we recognize how to deal with borderline stuff, so we allow judgments and finer distinctions, but children need big, black-and-white boundaries until they know good from evil. Save your discussions of gray areas or exceptions until they are much older.

3.  Optional boundaries—actions that are not in violation of God’s law, but not good for children– may be better taught as “family rules,” not God’s rules. We did this with drinking alcohol. We decided with our first child to never keep alcohol at home or serve it at home. We did not want to send the message that it was a sin to drink alcohol because we did not believe that. The message we wanted to send was that children—especially teenagers—should not drink alcohol. 

You may have to make decisions about gambling, types of clothing, movie ratings, certain types of hangouts, even certain video games and maybe some verbal expressions. The danger of making something God’s rule without it really being concretely commanded by God is that as the children get older, they may come to a different opinion about biblical teachings and feel like you have either not been truthful or accurate with them.  In either case, young people are tempted then to lump all of “God’s rules” into one big pile and get rid of all of them.

4. Help them choose friends whose parents have similar values to yours. You should try to be very consistent about this as long as you can because your influence over friendships tends to diminish with each year of school.  This also means being aware of the people YOU choose to be friends with—and with which values they are raising their children.  Don’t sacrifice your kids to your own friendships.

By the way, this is where “family rules” can help you keep your kids from learning to be judgmental towards other parents or children who have different “family rules.” Just remember, family rules do not replace God’s rules; they are just training wheels until the child can ride the bike by herself.)

 

In the world we live in, even we Christians almost feel embarrassed to use words like purity and holiness. Chastity and modesty seem like words our grandparents might have used.

As you pray for wisdom to be a good parent, ask God to give you quiet strength to be pure and holy and to give your courage to use the words with your children—not in a preachy way. Maybe you could teach them the old but simple song Purer In Heart, O God

Purer in heart, O God, help me to be;

May I devote my life wholly to Thee;

Watch Thou my wayward feet, Guide me with counsel sweet;

Purer in heart, help me to be.

 

Purer in heart, O God, help me to be;

Teach me to do Thy will most lovingly;

Be Thou my Friend and Guide, Let me with Thee abide;

Purer in heart, help me to be.

 

Purer in heart, O God, help me to be;

That I Thy holy face one day may see;

Keep me from secret sin, reign Thou my soul within;

Purer in heart, help me to be.

(Words: Mrs. A.L Davison)

Don’t worry about the King James’ English. It will help your kids when they have to read Shakespeare in the 8th grade!

Posted in Christian Culture, Other | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment »

When I Learned About Adultery!

March 16, 2011 by Mark Woodward

I went to a small Christian school from the sixth grade until I finished high school—and I loved it! Someday I’ll tell you all the reasons it was such a good experience for me, but today I want to tell you about what I learned about SIN.

The summer before my seventh grade year, the new choral director moved next door to us, along with his wife and two small boys. They quickly became friends with my parents, and by the time I got to high school and could be in chorus, he became a special mentor to me.

He was probably the most popular teacher at our school; he worked tirelessly on behalf of the Christian school doing fund raising events with the chorus, the band, and small ensembles—and he even served a short stint as principal of the school.  He was the regular song leader at one of the local congregations.

I graded papers for him, babysat their kids, learned to drive a standard shift on his little Renault and listened to his advice on everything with great admiration.

One night in early October of my senior year, his wife came running over to our house in tears. When she came in, Mom and Dad sent us out of the room so she could talk to them—but I knew immediately what had happened.  My chorus director had just admitted having an affair with one of my classmates.

I was aware that the girls in chorus—always more savvy than the guys at this age—talked about how my mentor always picked a girl Friday—wondering who would it be this year?  I knew that he was just a little flirty, sometimes putting his arm around some random girl, but I always thought it was not much different than many older men that I saw at church who were a little flirty and a little huggy!  In a fairly naïve way, I thought he probably shouldn’t do it, but it was always in public and nobody seemed to take offense, so it really didn’t tarnish my admiration or respect at all.

From the first day of school in September of my senior year, I knew something was different. He not only was flirty, but now he was giving this one girl in my class solos to sing—and her voice was just not that good. He was giving her special responsibilities—and she wasn’t that responsible. She was always the last one off the chorus bus after a program. And one day I walked into the chorus room at an hour when no class was scheduled, and he and she were there by themselves—which I thought was awkward—so awkward that the next time I walked into that room when it should have been empty, I made sure to make lots of noise turning the doorknob and coming in—just in case.

Don’t forget, this is 1964—when we still believed in heroes and before the sexual revolution captured every billboard, every television, every magazine, and every movie. I was 16 years old and not oblivious to sexual improprieties, but I had never seen adultery and didn’t really expect to.  Whether I was just youthfully ignorant or willingly ignorant, I was not really allowing myself to go there –just didn’t want to believe it might be what it was!

Yes, the truth came out. He broke down and told his wife when he thought the girl was pregnant. He was immediately fired. My classmate was dismissed from the school. I never saw her again. He moved away, but came to visit my parents some years later and seemed to have begun his life over again. I really don’t know.

My friend/mentor’s adultery affected me deeply. Mostly, I felt a deep sense of betrayal by someone I had trusted to be a good person, to be a model Christian man.  But I also learned some lessons about life and sin that have helped me in my own walk. Maybe they will help you too!

  • Nobody is so good that they can’t be tempted! As a young person, I felt like even the temptation to sin was a sin! So you not only avoided temptation, but you tried to believe that you were somehow above or immune to temptation.  Admitting to being tempted freed me up to “flee the devil” and to ask the Father to “lead me not into temptation.”  I was nearer to the truth that sets us free by knowing that I too could be—would be–tempted just like my teacher.
  • Heroes not only stumble, they fall! And so I learned people almost always disappoint us. This sounds really bitter, but, in fact, again the truth sets us free to put our confidence in the One who never fails us. Only Jesus never fails us. If our confidence is in the righteousness of our parents, our elders, our preacher, our spouse—even our children—it is misplaced because “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Only God never lies; only God is steadfast. Only God will never fail you!
  • Not only did that experience begin to direct my trust and confidence to the right place, but it has helped me manage self-righteousness when others sin. Only by grace will I be saved;only by His power can I avoid sinning. My self-righteousness is pathetic! We all have just one hope: Jesus!

Since this first experience, I have seen too many people I know end up in adulterous and/or immoral relationships. You too?  I’m sorry for my mentor and my classmate, but I learned a lot from them.

Next time, I want to explore with you what we should be teaching our children so that they can avoid sexual sin. Then we’ll talk about what adult Christians can do to remain holy!

 

 

 

Posted in Christian Culture, Other | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments »

Becoming a Good Missions Church, pt. 5 – Getting Leadership on Board

March 15, 2011 by Mark Woodward

Fifth in Guest Series by Tim Spivey, senior minister of New Vantage Church (San Diego, CA)

It’s one of the most frustrating things in the world to have a deep passion for something and not be able to get leadership to care much or embrace it. Few places have I seen this frustration more common or misunderstood than when it comes to global evangelism. When you meet resistance proposing something to church leaders, it isn’t typically because they hate ministry or people or they want to be frustrating. The resistance you face is often based on stuff under the surface. Everything below is a generalization. However, if you are meeting resistance, some of these attitudes may be in play. Let the generalizations begin 🙂

In general, elders tend to fear conflict, ministers tend to fear failure. Church members tend to feel like the church is overstaffed and spends too much money on themselves. The minister feels like the church is under-staffed and under-resourced. None of this makes for easy persuasion or full buy-in from leadership.

If it were me, I would focus on getting the preacher on board first. Preachers tend to me more open to new initiatives and they know how to get the elders on board. Like it or not, they are also usually the functional leader of the church by virtue of having high visibility and an open mic for 30 minutes every Sunday. Some will disagree with this…but without the preacher’s support a ministry will have about half the octane it could have otherwise. The good news is that most preachers don’t know they have the power they have…and tend to care more about ministry than power-brokering anyways. However, when you propose something new, or want to go to the “next level” in global missions (or anything else), here are:

5 Things Your Preacher Won’t Tell You He’s Thinking (Some are reasonable, some aren’t)

  • “I think you might pitch the idea, and leave me with the workload.” Create a ministry that requires little more than vision-casting and cheerleading from him. Preachers enjoy these and do them well.
  • “I think you might blame me and the elders if it doesn’t work.” If it doesn’t work, don’t blame them.
  • “I think this will mean less money and human resources to carry out the work of the local church.” Most churches actually drastically underfund local ministry. I would recommend finding ways to get the job done without pulling additional funds out of local ministry. I would also find ways for the missions ministry to add value to the whole life of the Body…not silo itself.
  • “I need you to help me understand how this works, because people will judge the ministry’s success by the numbers.” This is sad but true. A ministry that doesn’t “work” will hurt credibility for all involved. Have a clear way to measure “success,” even if not by numbers–though numbers matter. Just make it clear.
  • “I’m always looking for new ministries that will work and bless the church, but ending ministries is nearly impossible.” Offer to try it as a pilot or experiment, and have a concrete end game in mind.

If you can find a way to put these concerns (many of which are shared by elders) at ease…odds are…you’ll not only get leadership on board–you’ll have real champions for your area of ministry.

 

 

Posted in Christian Missions, Church Leadership | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Becoming a Good “Missions Church,” pt. 4 – Alignment

March 14, 2011 by Mark Woodward

Fourth in a Guest series by Tim Spivey, senior minister at New Vantage Church (San Diego, CA)

No-silosBuilding on the three previous posts, here are a couple of introductory steps you can take that will help your church more effectively embrace God’s call to global mission:

Seek alignment. Understand the church is like a mobile. Everything is connected, and this is a great blessing. Look at your existing ministries and see how your missions ministry can be properly aligned with what the church is already doing. In some churches, church planting, short-term missions, benevolence, long-term missions, etc. are all very separate ministries with independent objectives and marked territory. For the purposes of involvement perhaps this feels good. However, if ministries are organizationally, strategically and philosophically siloed, it will take twice the money and publicity to achieve half of the results with half of the joy.

“Alignment” means riding the wave of where the church is already going rather than charting your own course. It means building missions ministry around the broader objectives of the church, and with all church ministries in mind. This will not only bring the blessing and support of church leadership to missions more quickly, it will relieve “sideways energy” in the church system that creates a tug of war effect–lots of effort, little movement. If everyone heads in their own directions, the church will stuggle to make progress of any kind. With alignment, forward progress is much easier and results exponentially enhanced.

Here are some steps to this effect:

  • Seek a firm grasp on the mission and vision of the church. Ask, how can we build a missions ministry that affirms and accentuates that vision? If missions becomes a para-church ministry in the church, it will never soar, and those involved in it will find themselves wondering why leadership and the congregation don’t seem to care much about it.
  • Have those who lead ministries in the “externally-focused” areas meet together. Relationships are everything in the church. Knowing one another better and communicating what’s going on will help coordination and make it easier for people to give to one another when necessary down the road. Tomorrow’s post will talk more about the importance of relationships in global missions ministry.
  • Integrate those ministries by choosing to do things together. Could a short-term missions team be sent to build up and encourage your long-term missionaries instead of going to countries that aren’t a part of what the church is already involved in? Could some of the church’s benevolence money go to support the poor overseas? Here’s another one–can the global missions team play a part in helping further the cause of the poor and and reaching the international community around the building through a ministry like Friendspeak?
  • Trade out traditional “mission reports” for storytelling opportunities in sermons, giving time, communion, and other things that weave the narrative of what God is doing globally through all of church life. Consider having one of your missionaries video a communion thought or a brief thank-you for the morning and stream it to the screen. Now they aren’t a visitor from a faraway land. They are part of the church.

Those are just a few possibilities. There are many more. There are two more posts in this series. One with more practical ideas–and one talking about getting leadership on board.

How have you seen partnership between ministries rather than “siloing” pay dividends in furthering God’s mission in the church?

 

Posted in Christian Missions, Church Leadership | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »