Sherrylee’s parents were in ministry all fifty years that they were married. When her mother died, her father remarried a woman who had been married to a minister, now deceased. Sherrylee’s family was the center of the church’s attention; she would tell you that as a young child she felt like the princess of the church—and I’m sure she was.
But Sherrylee knew which deacon was beating his wife, which elder had children in trouble; she did not grow up ignorant of the hypocrisy and facades in her churches—but she grew up loving the church—because it loved her and her family.
When I met Sherrylee and started visiting her family in Fort Walton Beach, Florida—I know, tough place to go to visit your girlfriend!—I remember clearly an early conversation about her family’s friends. She told me how well-loved her parents were at all the churches where they had worked, but that her parents did not believe it possible to really have close friends and do their ministry well. In fact, that seemed to be the common wisdom at the time for all ministers.
Being a young campus minister at the time and with firm plans for mission work, I listened to what my future in-laws said about a life in ministry—and it frightened me a little bit to think of a life without close friends.
Over forty years of ministry later, I understand where the idea came from that ministers could not have close friends. We’ve had our own share of disappointment with people who were our closest friends. Our closest friends from our early years in Germany divorced and gave up big chunks of faith. Several of our closest friends in Oklahoma would certainly not call us close friends any more. We have not been sheltered from some of the severest pains between friends in ministry.
But ministers still need friends! And families in ministries still need friends—close friends!
Sherrylee and I have now been in Fort Worth for almost eleven years. We are part of a great church, have been in three good small groups, had our own Bible class for a couple of years—as you can see, plenty of opportunity to make new friends!
Our closest friends, however, have come from our LST family—from ministry! We just spent a weekend in Nashville with some of our closest friends. Some are former students that did LST with us twenty—even thirty–years ago. Some of these friends are members of our home church who have done LST now for 10-15 years. Some of these people we have known for less than ten years, but who have invested themselves so heavily in LST that we have seen them several times a year at LST events , and sometimes have even traveled with them.
Yesterday, we had a meeting of our board of directors. Those directors who serve with us fit into this special group of closest friends in our lives. A CPA, a lawyer, a professor, a minister, and a retired journalist are currently on the board. Other close friends have retired from the board in the past few years.
With all of the inherent turbulence that may surround board meetings—hard questions regarding finances, church issues, staff personalities, loyalty to the mission and vision—with all of these pitfalls–serving together and ministering to one another create bonds of love like no other.
So my conclusion is this and my advice is the same for ministers: Don’t be afraid to make friends. Sure you are vulnerable and people can easily hurt you! Nevertheless, keep giving yourself away! But don’t be surprised if you find your closest friends coming from among those with whom you share ministry most closely!
If you are without close friends in your ministry, check these things:
- Are you sharing your ministry or only leading your ministry?
- Do you care about the people who share your ministry—or only about the ministry itself?
- Are you being a friend first or are you a minister first? (Tricky question!)
- Are you afraid of having close friends?
God never thought it was good for man to be alone! Jesus had his friends and his closer friends. Paul surrounded himself with fellow servants.
You need close friends! You will find them among those who will serve beside you!
Mark's Blog 
You are right about striking a nerve! As a minister’s wife who has been burned, I know that the minister, as well as everyone else, needs unconditional, nonjudgmental friendships. Those are few and far between. Most of our Christian friends do not want to know the minister’s personal problems—even though he might know theirs. (I absolutely believe a minister can be even more effective after experiencing adversity and disappointment.)
We can love and enjoy fellowship with our Christian friends. But a minister and his wife must find one or two friends they can confide in (maybe not in the immediate congregation) and exercise much caution about what to share with others. I have seen friendships change to employer/employee in a heartbeat!
Life here on earth is short. We are happier when we do less judging and accept and enjoy each other. Truth be told, we are all fellow strugglers, ministers included!
Friendship is a topic of interest and should get lots of comments. What is a friend? I used to involve in a definition somewhat that a friend is someone who thinks I am special. We all want to be wonderful, and certainly are attracted to people whom we can imagine think we are wonderful. Over the years, however, my definition has become “a friend is someone willing to spend time with me.” If I am on someone’s list of friends, but they can’t find time to spend a little time with me, it is rather irrelevant whether they are a “friend.” On the other hand, if someone will go have lunch with me it does not matter if I do not make his friend’s list. The relevance of friendship is the behavior, not the label.
As to Sherry’s being aware of “blemishes” in others, I fail to see the relevance here. Also, why is it relevant that a friend “lost his faith?” I do not really care whether a person thinks one way or the other or lives ones way or the other. If we spend time together we are friends. If we spend time together we will enjoy each other.
Yes, Mark. This rings so true. Our closest friends here in Mexico are the two couples, Juan y Fidela; Francisco y Rosy, with whom we meet each Tuesday in our servants’ group. We love and admire them because they “get” what it means to be a serving leader. We glean from their knowledge of their people and culture. They glean from our experience of years of working to grow God’s kingdom here on this earth. We are so grateful for their shared desire to minister in Christ’s church. I still consider some of my dearest friends as those who are across the ocean, and most, with only 6 weeks of close contact–Yes, some of my LST readers became my dearest friends as our relationship was surrounded by our discussions of Jesus. I think of Laura in Bucharest, Romania; Sylvia in Riga, Latvia; Reet from Tallin, Estonia; and others from China and Japan, only to name a few. How blessed we are to have so many heart-stiched friends. We feel extremely blessed to have wonderful friends from the US and Canada LST offices! It has been, and continues to be, a blessing working together with the vision of sharing the gospel and ourselves with those whose first language is not English. Have a wonderful day, my dear friend!
I think money always changes the dynamics of a relationship. In the back of everyone’s mind at church is “you’re the person I pay to do church stuff and meet my needs.” It not only can make friendships difficult, but can work against asking people to get involved in ministry. The model for ministry is a paid employee, who has time for ministry the average church member doesn’t have. I’m not sure that’s the best model but that’s another topic.
Also as a minister, I struggle with wanting to be an authentic friend while also trying to keep an organization up and running. Sometimes I wish the “organized meetings,” “office work,” and “upkeep of facilities” side of things could be toned down so I could spend more time with people, Christian and non-Christian.