Several ministers have responded to my last post “Can A Minister Have Close Friends?” commenting on the difficulties created by being a paid minister for a church. In general, their comments run something like, “When people think of you as their employee, it is hard for either one of you to be close friends!” Or they say, “When people think they are paying you to do what they don’t have time or desire to do, they are generally not in a position to be a friend.”
Let’s think together about why these ministers feel this way. See if you agree with these statements:
- The “power” of an employer to hire or fire a minister makes close friendship almost impossible.
- The “class distinction” between the ministers who are hired and the members who do the hiring makes a close friendship of equals almost impossible.
- The financial dependency on the congregants to approve of a minister and his/her work never allows the minister to be authentic enough to form truly close friendships.
- The common notion that a minister should be financially sacrificial, but the leaders and/or the members are free for unrestrained financial gain creates a tension that precludes true friendship.
- The requirement in many churches of semi- or fully public disclosure of the minister’s salary creates both jealousies from those with less and/or condescension from those with more rather than close friendships.
Certainly there are exceptions, but isn’t there enough truth in every one of these statements to demand that we pause and reconsider why our churches are entrenched in a financial system that creates deep inequities, social liabilities, and fosters anything but a spirit of love?
I continue to believe that using a business/corporate organizational model —whether intentionally or by cultural default—is highly detrimental to our churches. I’m talking about the elders being either the owners or the board of directors, the ministers/staff being the employees, and the congregation usually being the customers, with some exceptional churches seeing the members as unpaid volunteers.
Just limiting ourselves to the question of finances and friendships, I believe our churches would be better served and our ministers would not live without loving friendships if we used a family model for church instead of a corporate model?
Tomorrow we will look at the differences between a corporate model for church and a familial model.
Mark's Blog 
This makes me incredibly sad. We have been very close to several ministers. We always try to be very encouraging and never critical of them. I believe that there are situations like those stated, but I also believe there are lots of people out there that would love to be friends. It really never occurred to me that maybe the minister or his wife might not have friends. I always thought they would be the most popular members. I think there must be problems on both sides. I’m going to do more to befriend our ministers and their wives.
I love your sentence, “I always thought they would be the most popular members.” I suspect that is a very common assumption on the part of members, but one that carries a lot of baggage with it. If each of us would respond to our dilemma as you have said you will do in the future, our churches will truly be more loving families.
Thank you for commenting.
Mark
One of my very best friends is a minister’s wife, and I also count her husband as a close friend. He’s a youth minister, and my kids are in the youth group, but I don’t really think about that much in the context of our friendship. However, I have been guilty of that attitude toward other ministers in the past, and I have seen the distruction it can do to ministers and their families subject to that attitude.
Using the analogy of the congregation as a business, maybe the members should think of themselves as employees instead of customers/consumers, even though they’re not paid. We’re coworkers with the paid staff of churches, not consumers of their services.
See today’s blog, Cindy. Your suggestion would be a step in the right direction, but perhaps going even further, why not try brother and sister relationships? Sounds biblical, doesn’t it!
Thanks for your comment.
Mark
Hello,
I have found that the best method to conteract the problem is to become independent of support from congregations. If they desire to make a gift to help that is O.K. but not essential. Paul made tents supported himself and others. I do not believe it is wrong to support a preacher but if it hinders the work or his life then there are other ways that are acceptable to God. The problem of a paid minister is that “who pays the piper selects the music.” You are not going to have “tenure” for Ministers. Like your articles very much keep them flowing.